You know it’s unfair to say I’m the only one here
But you got me going through the motions
I don’t know where I stand
If I’m standing anymore
Cause I’ve start falling…
Could possibly be in love
But I think that it can’t be
We’re on basic knowledge
getting to know you” stage
I want to be so far past that
But that’s just my mind jumping forward again
Getting ahead planning the future
Not realizing we gotta get through present
Work through the past
Build that foundation
Construct our walls
Put on the roof
And only allow the positive into our door
As of now it’s just me
Picking at the grass
Sifting through the dirt
Finding where to START
I don’t know anymore. I want you so bad I think I’m letting those feelings hold me back cause I KNOW you have them too but there is something holding you back from acting on them to move forward which makes me want to walk away cause thats just ms cause I am fucking impatient. I respect ykur dscisiin but its slowky killing me and I might have to seperate from you for a while in order for us to be just friends and nothing more. That’s really hard to do when our time to chill is around your schedule cause I’ve pretty much been sitting in my ass but I will get up and start doing things for me cause I can’t keep living like this (its slowly driving me insane being inside all the damn time). So maybe these next couple weeks apart will change something… maybe.
On another note I need to start my own hustle because I can’t do broke anymore. It just ain’t me.
I dont know where to begin but here it goes. We finally got to talk though not face to face but I guess it’s better than nothing. I still want to be yours; be wrapped in your arms when I need you and be at your side when you need me. I want to be there to relieve your stress and be your shoulder to cry on. I want to help you up when your down and lift you when your up. I want to come home to you playing games so I can jump in and kick your ass or die trying. What I really want is for you to want to be with me so we can have wonderful special feeling. The one most girls dream of. I see us having the locking eyes. You knowing how I fssl before I say it. I know what food to bring home without you having to tell me. That feeling where we are one but also two. I know when you need your guy time and when u want to be alone. The problem is I dont think you’re ready which makes me wonder if you will be and if I should wait or just move on. You’ve always got my head constantly spinning.
So since YOU can’t find the time to have a REAL conversation with ME, I guess I’ll have to rant on here. I don’t understand what you want. Well I do but I don’t think I can handle it anymore. I don’t like being in between. Obviously we’re not friends, we don’t know each other well enough and we never hang out, but I would love to be your girl. I feel like if I give up now, I’ll miss out on a good chance but I’m also tired of waiting… (I’m very impatient). So this leaves me confused and upset and hurt. Especially when you drop off the fucking face of the earth (well at least to me) and you don’t care to explain. I know somewhere in your heart you actually give a shit about me but it’s like you don’t want to acknowledge it unless it’s convient or I’m not with you. I think you want to be with my but I’m not really sure anymore. I know it’s only happened once between us, but it’s happened to me before. I can’t handle people dropping in on my life expecting to just keep going from where we were and act like nothing has changed. It may have only been a few days but I feel like that’s different in “Girl Time” lol. Now I have guy friends who told me to wait for you and let you figure it out but my heart, my life, my body, and my soul can only handle so much. And it’s not your fault that guys in my past have taken advantage of my kindness and my patience. It sucks that you have to deal with this but I just want to be able to call you if somethings wrong, have you come over and we just talk or maybe watch a movie. Have you hold me when I’m at my worst. I don’t know if you want that but I do and I guess we need to figure out where I stand with you because I refuse to sit back and wait forever. I did that before, kept hoping, and got my heart broken and crushed. I know you’re not that same person but it’s hard to separate sometimes which just brings back old memories. Maybe I just need to tell you so you know how I’m feeling on this end. We really have to have this conversation before I go or else this is going to linger on forever and kill me inside slowly. Guess I’ll call you tomorrow….
So tonight I had an amazing date!! He paid for everything. He was super sweet. I wasn’t even expecting the kiss before he left.(caught me so off guard) I want to be his exclusively but I don’t know if its time for that yet. Or if I should wait for date 2. Or if he should ask
or should I? This is so confusing.
On the meanwhile I don’t want him to think I’m a hoe cause I really want to grind his bones 😦 I hate that it’s been so long which makes it SOOO bad!!!!! I think I need to sleep on this some more. Goodnight (:
Sometimes I don’t know what to do. I like one guy but I don’t want to make it more awkward than it already is. I just can stop from having butterflies around him but I can push them down. Now he knows and I don’t know if I did the right thing in telling him or a huge mistake. I don’t regret my decision but I just wish I knew how he felt. He’s just so sweet it’s impossible to tell!!!